At the zoo, will the penguins be doing dance routines?
No! They will do no such thing. They will be working, doing their jobs, and their job is not tap-dancing because they are not tap-dancers. In fact they don't dance at all. They don't sing and they don't dance, because they are flightless sea birds. Penguins are not entertainers. They do not have a second to spare from the work they do to entertain anyone, much less go about the trouble to hire a pianist, a choreographer, and a special-needs oriented cobbler to craft unique tap-shoes to fit on their tiny webbed feet.

Can you tell me about any short story collections or novels written by penguins?
No, I can't tell you any of this! I don't know what you are talking about. Penguins are not writers. Not one penguin has ever written anything, ever! If you are expecting to look back to see penguins chattering around the Algonquin Roundtable with Dorothy Parker or jesting over glasses of single malt scotch with Truman Capote, you are very very wrong.

What are today's hip and with it penguins talking about?
Penguins are not hip, they are the opposite of hip. Penguins are anti-hip. Penguins only know the feeling that goes with working as hard as they can day after day after day. Only if you could say that, but you can't. No one can say that like the penguins can. Certainly no writer I've ever heard of can say that.

Do most penguins fight crime or are they more often master criminals?

Penguins do not fight anything. All these simple hardworking flightless sea birds do is simple hard work. There is no crime fighting or crime committing for the penguins. They do not pack pistols, they will not read you your rights, and they will not take you downtown to book you, because they are not the police. Nor are they ones to commit crime. Penguins are flightless sea birds who aren't interested in destroying Batman, taking over the city of Gotham or making off with the fiery Jewels of the Maha Rajah. Penguins do not wear monocles and carry gas capsule firing, bullet proof umbrellas. No, they do not. No penguins has the time or character for such nonsense. Penguins are peaceful creature who only want antarctically correct lighting and buckets of fish in return for their labors. That's not much to ask for, and that's what they get, and they don't even have to ask. Not because they can't talk, which they can't, instead because they know that it's part of the bargain. It's what being a penguin is all about.

What are penguins?
Penguins are flightless sea birds.

What are penguins not?

Penguins are not heavy drinkers, not party animals, not entertainers, not waiters, not little men in tuxedos, not wind-up toys, not English chaps, not gads-about-town, not sad lost cartoon friends of Woody Woodpecker and Bugs Bunny, and not warning signs telling people to keep items chilly.

How far can penguins fly, far or very far?

Far? They can't fly at all. Penguins are flightless sea birds, which means that they can not fly. Flightless means without flight. No flying for penguins. Swim they can do, and very well, but absolutely no flying.

Do penguins like to play around?
No, they don't. Penguins do not even understand the meaning of play. What penguins understand is the meaning of work.

Where can I find some penguins to party with?
Penguins are not your buddies to party with. They are flightless sea birds who appreciate a polar climate and who understand the meaning of hard work. Penguin mothers can find their little baby penguins out of thousands of other babies entirely by their sense of smell. Penguin sleep by tucking their heads behind their shoulders, making them appear as if they have no head at all. Penguins can stand at the edge of a fake cliff over an ocean-like tiny pool and they can simply stand there and look like they are going to jump, and they can do this for hours without ever jumping, until they go back to the place where they were sleeping and then they sleep. Partying is way beneath these flightless sea birds and if you think that they are hanging around, waiting for you to party with them, then you are sadly mistaken, but if you want to see some penguins who are working and working hard every damn day of their lives then you can find them at the zoo. You can go and find them at the penguin house at the zoo.

Penguin Advocate

Chuck Jones