People of Chicago, do I have something to say to you?
Do I have something to tell you?
Yes, I do.
Yes, I have something you need to know. You need to know that Penguins are flightless sea birds and that you can find them at the zoo. Penguins are birds who can’t fly a bit, but they do like to swim and they are very good at it. Swimming is something that penguins like to do, and they like to do it at the zoo.

So do you think that penguins are just cute little guys running around in fancy suits?
Is that what you think? Is that what the people of America think? Well I've got some important news for you. Do you want to hear it? Do you want to hear the news? Penguins are not your buddies. They are not your pals. Don't wait up for them, your funny party penguin friends, because that's not what they are. I'll tell you what they are. Penguins are flightless sea birds. That's right; you heard me right. Penguins are flightless sea birds.
You line up day after day and ask me, "Are penguins little men in tuxedos who want to come to my cocktail parties?" You ask me over and over, "What kind of party games do penguins like to play?" You come up to me in the middle of the street on any kind of regular day and practically spit in my face, demanding to know, "Where can I find some of those wacky wacky Penguins to party with? Where? Where? Where?"

Well, where indeed! I'll tell you where you can find the penguins.
I'll tell you where to go. I'll tell you all about the penguins if you will just forget that nonsense you've heard, open your heart and listen to the truth. Penguins are flightless sea birds. Penguins are flightless sea birds. Penguins are flightless sea birds and you can find them at the zoo.

"Will they holding tiny martinis?" No!
"Will they be crying ice-cubes into their beers?" No!
"Will they be dancing the pony, the monkey, the dog?" No!

The Penguins will be doing none of those things because they've got a job to do and they'll be doing it at the zoo.
They'll be standing on fake rocks, doing their job. The penguins; they will be doing their job. They didn't ask for this job. They didn't read about it in the papers. They didn't go "online." Someone came and got them and told them that they've got a job to do, and now, they are doing it. The penguins are doing their job at the zoo.

I'm sure, men and women of Chicago, that many of you also have jobs.
You are going to those jobs right now. What are you doing at those jobs? Are you working? How long do you work? Do you work day-in-and-day-out-24-hours-a-day like the penguins? I don't think so.

No I don't.

Now, maybe you see; now, maybe you understand what I'm telling you.
What am I telling you, you supposedly hard working Chicagoans?
I'm telling you the penguins are not, that's N-O-T "Not", your afterwork-happy-hour-cohorts. I'm telling you that penguins are flightless sea birds and that they are flightless sea birds who work very much harder than you. They've got fake rocks to stand on and a little pool to swim around in and that's the work they do and they do it.

I know that you're listening, Chicago, but you know that I know that the penguins know that your heart just isn't able to wrap itself around their workaholic ways.

You. What are you? You are a work hard/play hard kind of people.
Do I have that right, people of this mighty city of Chicago? Yes I do. I know that you can give me at least that. I know that you can allow me that little bit of understanding. I know that you aren't so low as to deny me that little bit of ground to stand on. When you aren't playing hard, you might be found working. Working, that might be something that you could be found doing when you aren't playing as hard as you possibly can.

Penguins, now, what are they? Penguins are flightless sea birds. Penguins are flightless sea birds who appreciate a polar climate and who work, and work hard 24-7-365.
That's twenty four hours a day, 7 days a week, and three hundred and sixty-five days a year.
Play? Play hard? Penguins do not even understand the meaning of play.
Hard they understand. Hard work.
Penguins are flightless work hard/work hard sea birds.

Penguins are flightless sea birds.
Penguins do not gather in packs to dance with Dick Van Dyke, and they do not talk in little english accents. That's not what penguin work is all about. That's right, Chicago. Penguins are hard working birds. They work hard at the zoo. They are not funny fool around fellas, and more importantly, they are not waiters.

No, Penguins will not bring you another plate of smoked oysters.
No, Penguins will not get another round of frosty cold ones for you and your buddies.
Oh no-no!
Penguins will not take your ribs back to the chef and tell him a thing or two about barbecue, Because penguins are not waiters.
They are not wearing tuxedos; they do not carry folded napkins over their wings, and they do not accept tips, because penguins are not waiters.
Not Waiters—Not Maitre Des—Not Busboys.

Penguins are flightless sea birds who live at the zoo so you are not going to find them at your favorite Chicago restaurants. Why? Because they are at the zoo.
There at the Penguin house at the zoo. Not at Shaw's Crab House. Not at Mr. Beef.Not at Cafe Babareeba. No, At The Zoo.

Penguins can't ask you if you want dessert, because they can't talk.
If penguins could talk first thing penguins would say if they could talk is "Stop tapping on the glass!"
"Stop tapping on the glass"
The glass-glass-glass is not for your tap-tap-tapping.
There is something that the penguins feel is very important for you to know.
They want you to know and they want you to understand, but they can't talk to you about it because they can't talk.
If they could talk what they would say is "No more tapping, because it keeps us from our work."