March 17th 2004

Dear Lafayette Chamber of Commerce,

Recently I had to stop in your town when my battery died. The helpful staff at the Krispee Kreme offered to give me a jump which was actually the very very wrong thing to do (it was my plan though) and it fried my alternator. Smoke actually started billowing out of the engine. So I called Triple A and spent the night at the Red Roof Inn across the street and watched some television and went to bed. The next morning I called Triple A again and they came to pick up my truck and take it to the local pep boys where they got right on it. I walked over to the Hobby Lobby and bought some supplies to keep me occupied and then headed back to the "Pep."

Then it hit me. I knew that I had to live here. I had to quit my job, move here and start a business, but I knew then and I know now that running just one business would bore me pretty quickly so I've decided to move to the area and start at least three businesses. I'm going to start with one, a horn barn, and then work on getting license for the second, a fireworks store, and then try to get a license for the third, a casino (nothing big though). I see all the businesses being together in a kind of open complex with parking and a few places for other people to come in and start their own things up, like a Subway, but not a Subway; Someone could start up something like a Subway, but with pizza.

I should probably tell you now that I love you. I love you and I love Lafayette and I love Indiana. I love you in an Elvis sort of way. If I could I would give Lafayette a brand new Caddie. Not pink or gold or anything retarded, just a nice clean good honest American made super car.
So let me recap, here is my business plan:

  1. I quit my job.
  2. I move to Lafayette.
  3. I build a huge building.
  4. I start the horn barn (maybe the building could actually look like a barn?), and I call it “Pank’s Horn Barn” after my dog who's name is Frank, but my wife and I call him Pank.
  5. I make some calls and get a permit or two for the fireworks store.
  6. I build out the fireworks store.
  7. I go buy some fireworks to put in the store.
  8. I get a billboard out on 65, inviting the public to come over to “EXIT NOW FIREWORKS.”
  9. Then I pay off whoever I need in order to get a casino.
  10. I build out the casino, “Hoosier Slots!!!!”, or maybe “Hoosier Slots and CRAPS!!!”
  11. I bring in Fancy talent for the grand opening, someone like Dr. Dre or Ozzy.
  12. Then I think I should start giving back to the community in the form of a fully funded Planned Parenthood or a Teen video activist training center.

So where do you think the best place in town to do all this would be?
Thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing from you.

Chuck Jones

p.s. Have you seen The Passion of the Christ?